and he closes his eyes so that he can see

We watched the movie (Smoke Signals) and wept. Late in to the night. Spoke of our fathers. And forgiveness. Do we forgive our fathers in their deaths or at our own...? And the first step to forgiveness is --what? Compassion? Letting go? Stepping out of our own shoes, or in to our own shoes? --becoming who we really are....

And sometimes, while there is sweet relief, forgiving comes at a sacrifice... a letting go... and it has to do with power, and constructing the universe in our own image... or our own woundedness and feelings of self worth, or something like that.

Joel still blubbered like a baby, even though he has seen it several times in the last few weeks. He says it gets better every time he sees it. I think so too. One of the lingering images for me this morning is at the end, where the grandma takes the boy's face in her hands and says "tell me what happened, tell me what's GOING to happen" --and he closes his eyes so that he can see....

After the movie, we invited Da over to our house --it took so long to set up the computer and get it synced with the projector and it kept crashing until we re-booted --and all that kinda stuff... so we never got a chance to eat before the movie. So, we invited Da over to the house to eat with us. Joe's Special. Spinach with hamburger, onions, garlic and mushrooms set in scrambled eggs. One of my favorites.  DC had never had it --neither had Da --I think they liked it.... I hope they liked it. The sourdough bread that DC brought with her from Baltimore was perfect with it.

And it began to snow --wind and snow outside the windows shining with the half-light of the sparkling white air, and we talked and talked. Pushing the air around in the room, filling it with spirits and ceremony and humility and respect. Da spoke of the old way of asking someone to do something --because I had been asked to go to the court house yesterday afternoon --someone had died in the courtroom. I had been asked to go and pray for the first responders, for the family and relatives, for the workers, for the judge, for the spirit of the person who had died. We 'cleaned' the room with sage. So Da spoke of how it used to be done --how in times past someone was asked to do such a thing. And I was honored. To know.

And this morning, watching DC watch the sun rise like the moon, casting weak shadows and barely visible on the horizon for the storm... I find myself praying that the humility and plainness of the old ways not be lost. That I never betray the spirit and generosity --that I never speak out of turn or exploit or share inappropriately what has been shared here with me....

At prayer this morning (John 3:16-21)

Jesus said, “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in trusts him may not perish but may have eternal life.

“Indeed, God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Those who believe in trust him are not condemned; but those who do not believe trust are condemned already, because they have not believed trusted in the name of the only Son of God.

And this is the judgment, that the light has come into the world, and people loved darkness rather than light because their deeds were evil. For all who do evil hate the light and do not come to the light, so that their deeds may not be exposed. But those who do what is true come to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that their deeds have been done in God.”

My two favorites rants about the translation of the Gospel of John. 1) that the 'beloved disciple' is treated as male, when indeed it is written as a neutral modified by the neutral pronoun, articles, etc (as a word, 'disciple' is feminine, so choosing the neutral was purposeful --that anyone could see themselves in the place of the beloved disciple, as we are all supposed to be called to that loving devotion)  2) that the word pisteo is translated as 'believe' rather than 'trust' when indeed the word means 'trust', which is a whole different ball of wax.... --just sayin'....

And, this morning, I hear the words 'those who do not trust are condemned already' as a statement of a condition --like being among the walking dead --a spiritual zombie... because the 'judgment', the 'condemnation' is that the light has come into the world, and people love darkness rather than light....

--an affirmation of the already known condition of spiritual zombie-ness.... ears that do not hear, a heart of stone, eyes that cannot see --either open or closed....

--and when I trust Jesus, I trust that it is alright to hang out with sinners, and be touched by the 'untouchable' and eat with those who differ from me, and to condemn no one --but to be present, and to be changed --to be more and more aware of God working in the world around me, and joining in that work in love and gratitude as best as I am able.

And, so, tonight, we begin the work in love and gratitude of walking to the graveside --praying for JT, also known as "Booboo".... age 43. I will trust that Jesus will greet him, unchain him from all that bound him here, and that whatever part of him was in the deadzone --whatever spiritual zombie-ness he suffered from --that will be opened to the light, and he will see clearly....

I mean, we will all have to close our eyes to see clearly.... yes? --and become who we really are....

Amen.